Always and Utterly

"People who’ve had any genuine spiritual experience always know that they don’t know. They are utterly humbled before mystery. They are in awe before the abyss of it all, in wonder at eternity and depth, and a Love, which is incomprehensible to the mind." Richard Rohr

"Always" - I wish! My ego repairs itself faster than Usain Bolt in the 100m dash! How quickly I forget what I don't know. I often find myself sure of my experience... or that I understand how He works. I do not.

"Utterly" - completely and without qualification, absolutely

How often can "utterly" truly describe ANY of my thoughts or actions in a manner of humility? If humility is "goodness unaware of itself" (Jack C.), then I'm doomed! As soon as I see humility in any of my actions, I'm patting myself on the back.

And so I press on... ever seeking progress rather than perfection.

What a Year...

2016. Wow, what a year. Probably one of the toughest years I've experienced, if I'm being honest.

I don't think anyone gets married with the intention of getting divorced. I never thought I'd be in this situation. I never imagined circumstances in my life would warrant a divorce, yet here I find myself. I won't go into detail, because there are two sides to every divorce.

I was TERRIFIED of being divorced. There's a stigma attached to it. Anyone going through or who has gone through a divorce knows what I'm talking about. The "auto-response" from my close friends that I've talked to has been, "Oh , my... I'm so sorry."

My response to this is usually, "Well thank you." You see, I don't want to shock them. Here's the truth: I'm relieved to be getting divorced. When things have been wrong for quite some time and you've done everything you can to mend it but it's just not working... the decision to get a divorce opens the dam of stored up relief. All of the fear, guilt, and anger gets washed away.

Not to sound callous about this... because I'm not calloused. The fear, the guilt and the anger still come back. It's natural to feel these emotions. But the relief... oh, the relief! There's freedom in it.

I believe there are consequences for divorce. I know that I'm breaking a vow I took before God and family. I'm prepared to see what God has in store for me. I'm prepared to live my life in service to Him. My wife and I have gone separate ways. It's what we needed to do. I will not hide from it. I will not live in fear or shame.

I will not flaunt it either. I will maintain dignity and respect. I will be a child of God and recognize the children of God. God loves me no more than anyone else. I will not treat anyone like a doormat. I will not be a doormat. I will be a child of God. I am loved. I love.

Reflections on Coming Home & God's Grace

Having moved away from home for an extended period of time and now returned, I find myself reflecting on what it's like. The truth is, I don't know what it's like being home. It's still too new, I'm still feeling things out, still trying to find a groove and "get settled in."

It was nearly 9 years ago that I left Michigan for Texas, and a lot has happened. This new perspective is strange... The realization that life does not start and stop at my convenience. People's lives progressed in my absence. My life progressed while I was gone.

A lot happened over the last 9 years. In church today, it hit me... It's hit me before, but today it hit me in a new way. God's Grace happened while I was gone. You see, there's been a remarkable change in me, and it really wasn't to my own credit. Really, it had nothing to do with me. I finally just got out of God's way. I surrendered... I joined the winning side. God's grace worked in me, and as a result, I work for God. Not perfectly, often not humbly, but it's there... The realization that I owe everything to Him. So I put in work for Him, in the way someone showed me how. I make myself available to help others... Others who have experienced what I have experienced and can't see a way out.

I'm flawed. My flaws are severe. They are defects of character that only God can remove. I can be the light of Jesus. But it's not me, it's Jesus. It's Grace that makes it all possible. I need you to remind me, lest I forget.

How loud our actions speak...

Yes... After a long day, I enjoy my recliner and a little bit of TV. Well, a couple of weeks ago (and I didn't have time to grab my camera), I came around the corner and found Caulin sitting in my chair. Watching TV. Remote in hand. Wearing my favorite hat.
Flattering, yes. Also made me aware of how my actions are extremely important in raising both of these boys.

Justice

So much controversy around George and Trayvon! Especially with the "Not Guilty" verdict. Everyone has an opinion. So do I, but I'm not going to share it. Instead, I'll share this from the daily meditations I read:

The sin warned against at the very beginning of the Bible is “to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). It does not sound like that should be a sin at all, does it? But the moment I sit on my throne, where I know with certitude who the good guys and the bad guys are, then I’m capable of great evil—while not thinking of it as evil! I have eaten of a dangerous tree, according to the Bible. Don’t judge, don’t label, don’t rush to judgment. You don’t usually know other people’s real motives or intentions. You hardly know your own.

I hardly know my own.

There is a beautiful prayer often used in 12 Step circles, known as "The Set Aside Prayer."

Dear God;
Please set aside anything I think I know
about myself,
about my disease,
about the Big Book,
the 12 Steps,
the Program,
the Fellowship,
the people in the fellowship,
and all spiritual terms - especially you God;
So that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things.
Please help me see the Truth.
Amen.

Truly, a beautiful prayer when you think about it. Asking God to set aside anything I THINK I know about anything.

What do you ask God to set aside?

Experience as Perception

I've been reading a lot of posts by this Franciscan Priest named Richard Rohr. He's more insightful than I can ever imagine to be, and he takes a view on God and spirituality that I love. He wrote a book called "Everything Belongs" which I can't wait to read, but given the heaviness of this Philosophy class I've recently undertaken, I have to. I've caught excerpts of this book here and there, and most recently today, I read his Daily Meditation and was once again floored. It caused me to ponder, "What is the WHOLE truth?" As he states, it's easy for me to assume that because I don't agree with someone else's experience of God, they haven't experienced God. THAT is thinking I must destroy.

"Who are you, God, and who am I?"

Fear and the "can-nots"

A friend of mine recently started a blog and in his first post he discussed the fear he experienced which was preventing him from creating said blog. He challenged his readers to think about their own fears, and to consider what fear was keeping them from accomplishing. My thoughts came to me quickly, as there is something I've always wanted to do, but fear has truly kept me from doing it. I'd love to start my own business someday. There is a certain attractiveness in being my own boss and providing a service to customers as I have designed it. My dilemma lies in this: I'm wishy-washy. I change my mind often... Particularly over the last four years. Since September of 2010, I've changed jobs three times. They've all been promotions and better pay, but after my first experience of change (which was more necessity than choice), I've simply gotten bored and sought a different path. Another part of my dilemma lies in the instability and lack of security I anticipate when I truly start to pay my own salary (and maybe someone else's). I must admit, it's nice knowing Michael Dell cuts me a check when I've earned it. He's got clout. I've got... fear. Of course, his is a very encouraging and inspiring story. He started Dell as a college dropout with a $1,000 loan and turned it into a multi-billion dollar empire. After all, Great things start from small beginnings.